I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
