I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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