halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she pinky promised me she was 18
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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