Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
