Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
