You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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