she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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