well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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