I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
