My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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