my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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