i just wanna soil my oats bro
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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