i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
