An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
