i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
