We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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