i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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