Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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