He passed out mid-signature
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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