it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
