i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
