Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My penis needs a shock collar
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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