Someone shit on the floor
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
