I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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