i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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