I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
