I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
