My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
