so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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