Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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