I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
