Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
