im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
