She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
