so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I wish you could order shots online.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
