i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
