Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
