I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
