Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
