There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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