i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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