if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
