I molested 6 butterflies tonight
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
