I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
