If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
