just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
