Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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