I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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