I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
