Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
