you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
