Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
