I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
